Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Pringles
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.