The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
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Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.