Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.