What in the hell is “disposable income”?
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u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
love it when they get my name right
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight