me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
#CoronaOutbreak
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.