My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
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[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
This pepper has seen some shit
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.