my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I drew y’all a little something.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.