[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Love this one 😂🧟
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.