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I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me My dog
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Go girl power!
Found the job I’m suited for
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do