Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
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I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Monday Lisa
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person