*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
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“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
next question.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.