[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
It do be feeling this way.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi