Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.