me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what