this has to be peak English
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Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time