When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.