On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
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First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it