Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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