5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
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[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Battery falling down a hole
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.