HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
December birthdays be like…
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.