I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
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The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later