most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
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Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Hell yeah 👍
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.