Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
You Might Also Like
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Hey I worked for it too!
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar