You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
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I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Mouse
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.