I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
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ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Home is where your toilet is.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.