where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Have kids, they said
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.