Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
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Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next