Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
But I really needed water water water
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.