My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
You are not alone 💚
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you