me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
You Might Also Like
“TGIM!” – My liver
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I’m not proud
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
found this cool rock hiking today
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.