Did I do this right
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me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
This was the best day of my life
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.