ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
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20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them