My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
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a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
lmfao
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician