No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
And that about sums it up.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!