No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
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I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon