Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips