Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
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3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
getting corrected
checking out some reviews of my local library
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.