I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
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Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The USS B port
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Get in loser we’re going crying