Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
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Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”