Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
ok this is my dumbest yet
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them