transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
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*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭