Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
😂😂😂
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”