just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
You Might Also Like
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.