that colleague who touches your screen
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My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do