I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
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Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Why I divorced her.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!