Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
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Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.