Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
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LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus