Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
You Might Also Like
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”