i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.