Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
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20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh